‘Respect’, the Dirty Word in Therapy: Communication Strategies for a Stronger Marriage

In the realm of relationships, especially in marriages, the term 'respect' holds significant weight. It's a word that's frequently thrown around in discussions about successful partnerships, often viewed as the cornerstone of any healthy marriage. But what if I told you that the seemingly noble concept of 'respect' can sometimes be the cause of misunderstandings and conflicts within a relationship? In this blog post, we're going to explore why 'respect' is, in my humble opinion, a less-good-choice of word when communicating with your partner. We'll also delve into the alternative approach of labeling vulnerable emotions, which will pave the way for a stronger, more open connection between partners.

The Problem with the 'Respect' Conundrum

First off, respect is a loaded term, carrying different meanings for different people. When one partner tells the other that they don't feel respected, it often creates a communication breakdown. In one sense, it is a phrase for a variety of emotional needs and desires that might not be accurately communicated with just this one word. What one person perceives as a lack of respect might be interpreted differently by their partner.

This ambiguity can lead to frustration, defensiveness, and ultimately escalate conflicts rather than resolving them.

In many cases, when someone says, "You're not respecting me," the underlying emotions and concerns they're trying to express get lost in translation. It's not that respect itself is the problem, but the word's broad nature can be counterproductive in fostering understanding and problem-solving. Respect can communicate an assumption of ill-intent, or even the idea that my partner is maliciously trying to ‘disrespect’ me - both very unhelpful things to convey!

Emotion Labeling: A Bridge to Deeper Understanding

Instead of relying on the catch-all term 'respect,' what if we shifted our focus towards labeling emotions? This approach allows partners to identify and communicate their feelings more precisely. When one person is feeling hurt, neglected, unheard, or undervalued, these emotions can be pinpointed and discussed individually. By describing the emotions involved, couples can better navigate the complexities of their feelings and find more tailored solutions.

For instance, imagine a scenario where one partner has been consistently late for family gatherings. Instead of saying, "You don't respect my time," which might be met with defensiveness, the conversation could shift to, "I've been feeling frustrated and a bit hurt when you're late because I value spending time with our family. I really need you to do something to work on not being late please - like set a timer when you need to leave." This way, the conversation centers on the feelings and experiences of the speaker rather than making an accusation.

If you want the full technique - an ‘I statement’ goes like this:

I feel  (emotion)

… when

you (specific behavior)

…

this affects me because (state how the above behavior and the result affects you)

… I need (specific behavior)

**Ideally, say this when you are calm (ish)

The Benefits of Emotion-Focused Communication

• Clarity: By using emotion labeling, partners can clearly articulate their feelings and experiences, reducing misunderstandings and misinterpretations.

• Empathy: When one partner hears and acknowledges the specific emotions the other is feeling, it becomes easier to empathize and offer support.

• Problem Solving: Focusing on emotions allows couples to address the underlying issues causing those feelings, leading to more effective problem-solving.

• Open Dialogue: Emotion labeling encourages open dialogue and vulnerability, creating an environment where both partners can express themselves without fear of judgment.

• Connection: Sharing emotions fosters a deeper emotional connection between partners, strengthening the bond between them.

In conclusion, while 'respect' is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship, it's crucial to recognize that its ambiguous nature can hinder effective communication. By shifting the focus towards emotion labeling, couples can open up avenues for understanding, empathy, and connection. By identifying and discussing emotions like hurt, frustration, and worry, partners can bridge the gap between their experiences and work together to build a stronger, more resilient marriage.

I will also mention an ugly observation: over the years I have seen the word ‘respect’ used at times to bully or control a partner. If this is a trend, you’ll need outside help to create a change - which I can help with.