Empathic Listening: A Guide for Men in Conversations with their Wife
I’ve noticed in my years doing relationship therapy that my male clients have this same instinct as I do - when my wife tells me she is having a problem, I immediately and automatically move to do something to help - I enter ‘fix it’ mode as a default.
As it turns out, there is quite a lot of research showing that this is ‘a thing’ when it comes to men communicating with their female partners. Often, men find themselves instinctively trying to "fix" problems that their wives bring up in conversations because we care and want to help - and we want to do so efficiently. How nice it is that we operate our marriages like we operate our lawn mower - get things done quickly so we can move on through our day and our busy lives.
First off, Empathic listening is the ‘more effort but much better quality output’ way of communicating with your partner. Remember dads’ old saying “Do it right the first time” - well it applies here.
Also, for some reason I hate that saying (err… do I have work to do?).
Pro tip: it's not needed 100% of the time you respond to your wife - just shoot for 30% of the time (especially when your wife has a stronger emotion) and you're good (probably)!
Empathic listening involves giving your partner your full attention, understanding their emotions, and (ideally) responding with genuine empathy (ie. feeling some of her emotion(s) with her). It's about creating a safe space for your wife to express herself without judgment, criticism, or immediate problem-solving.
Remember, acknowledging her emotions and way of thinking does not mean you agree!
The Benefits of Empathic Listening
Stronger Emotional Connection:
By actively listening and empathizing, you're showing your wife that her feelings matter to you. This builds a stronger emotional bond between you both.
Reduced Stress:
When your partner feels heard and understood, it can alleviate stress and make her feel supported, enhancing her overall well-being.
Effective Problem-Solving:
Surprisingly, empathic listening often leads to better problem-solving. When someone feels understood, they're more open to discussing potential solutions.
Practical Tips
Give Your Full Attention: Put away distractions like your phone or TV, and maintain eye contact. Show that you're fully engaged in the conversation.
Practice Patience: Allow your wife to express herself at her own pace. Don't interrupt or rush her; let her share her thoughts and feelings completely.
Use Verbal and Nonverbal Cues: Nodding, making affirmative sounds ("I see," "I understand"), and maintaining an open posture all communicate that you're actively listening.
Reflect and (ideally) label an emotion she is expressing: Periodically reflect what she tells you and the feelings back to her, e.g., "It sounds like you had a frustrating day.", “You seem a little sad about this, I hear you because with this turn of events….”
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of asking yes/no questions, ask open-ended ones that encourage her to share more. This shows your interest in her perspective.
Avoid Judgment: Suspend judgment or criticism, even if her viewpoint differs from yours. Remember, you're there to understand her feelings, not debate them.
Hold Back on Solutions: While it's natural to want to solve problems, sometimes she just needs to express herself. If she asks for advice, offer it; if not, wait until you have hung out in this ‘verbally processing emotions’ safe space you have created with her.
Pro tip: if there is emotion present: give it at least 20 minutes before going into solutions mode, or if its really big - you can even wait until tomorrow, after she has gotten some good processing work done and is ready for solutions.
In Conclusion:
Remember, she didn't marry you so you would jump in and fix every problem she has in life. She can fix stuff herself most of the time (albeit maybe not the way we would)! Most importantly, she just needs a caring, compassionate partner who can hold space for her emotions. As you cultivate this skill, you'll find that your relationship becomes more resilient, nurturing, and fulfilling for both of you. And yes, it takes time/work (sorry, there is no cheat code for this!).
