Softening: The Moment When Healing Begins
Relationships are complex, intricate dances between two individuals, filled with ups and downs, twists and turns. Within the shared journey, couples inevitably find themselves in a tense dispute, an argument where something went wrong and I’m not sure my significant other really cares about me or my needs. Whether its a cataclysmic blow-up or a slow decay, ruptures cause each person to go to their respective corners and do some combination of withdrawal, attack, or get defensive and argue to protect themselves or their perceived future needs from being tossed aside.
In this hostility, there is a moment or an opportunity when one partner softens to the other; creating an opening for a deeper connection to unfold. It is in this moment that relationships can truly flourish, as vulnerability and understanding pave the way for greater intimacy. In this blog post, I’ll give my thoughts on why softening in relationships is so critical and how to do it. I have spent years as a relationship therapist facilitating the transformative power of softening, and I believe it leads to profound growth and healing of the attachment.
First off, Softening in a relationship refers to the act of letting down one's emotional guard, allowing vulnerability and empathy to take center stage. It is a shift in perspective, where one partner opens themselves up to the other's influence, creating space for compassion and understanding. This constitutes a big risk one must take in the moment to ‘put themselves out there’ for their partner and/or speak softly to their partners’ needs, and requires the willingness to let go of defensiveness or resistance.
Softening is not so much about the words one uses, but of the non-verbal communication convaying ‘hey, I dont want to fight you - I just want to figure this out with you’. A quiet, soft, low, and slow voice tone is often a big part of this, as is body language that conveys you are not here to fight - some clients have described this as even submission, defeat, or ‘embodying the mediator’ within themselves. Crash course on body language: Turn your body at a 45 to 90 degree angle from ones’ partner (turning your body so your shoulder points towards them and your chest points not directly at them), uncross your arms, unfurrow your brow, take a deeeeeeeeep breath. Remember: half the speed of the conversation and half your volume.
Softening is the way through conflict. 99.9% of the time, you will not win in the end by besting your partner intellectually, nor by ‘out will-powering’ them. The way to achieve a lasting partnership is by caring about their needs, so they can continue to trust that you will do so (preventing a downward spiral of mistrust and a focus on ones’ own needs). If tension arises, when one partner softens, it sets in motion a chain reaction that will break down emotional barriers and foster an atmosphere of trust and safety. It signifies a willingness to listen, validate, and understand the other person's perspective without judgment. By softening, we communicate to our partner that their emotions and experiences are important and valued, helping them trust that you have their needs in mind as well (even if “this is the hill I will choose to die on”).
Softening involves using empathy. What does that mean? Simple: state your best guess at what emotion they are feeling, and why. Pro tip: use the word because three times. (ex. I think you are angry because you said before that….., and also because this has always been a big deal for you…., and also because…..). It doesnt matter if your guesses are correct - your partner will correct you if you are wrong and you can repeat the correct answer about their feelings that they just gave you! Its a win-win move for you. Remember: we can have empathy for someone without having to agree with their perspectives or perceptions. When we give empathy, we create an environment where both partners feel seen, heard, and understood, strengthening the bond between them.
Softening also enhances emotional resilience within relationships. It requires the courage to acknowledge and address emotional wounds, facilitating healing and growth. As we soften to our partner's vulnerabilities and express our own, we foster an environment of mutual support and acceptance. This, in turn, strengthens the emotional resilience of both individuals and the relationship as a whole. Strategy suggestion: after you soften and change the direction of an awful rupture, do a call-back 1 to 24 hours later; “you know, we really changed the direction of that argument - did you notice that? I appreciate that you said _______, that really helped me feel like things were going to be ok.”
Disclaimer: this does take practice and is really uncomfortable in the beginning, as you have to take some big (feeling) risks. You will get hurt sometimes, as your partner is probably not going to respond optimally every single time. With that said, the moment of softening is a gateway to intimacy long-term. It provides an opportunity for genuine connection, as partners become more attuned to each other's needs, desires, and fears - and how things can go wrong within the relationship. Sometimes we need a professional helper (like me), or even just a third nervous system (like a non-biased friend) to take the edges off of the tension. This deep level of connection will create safety and eventually trust, allowing love and intimacy to flourish. So, let us embrace the softening moments in our relationships and embark on a journey of growth, love, and connection.
