How to Validate
How to Validate
-The Single Best Thing You Can Do for Your Relationship -
Relationships that are the most successful are those where both partners share their inner world with one another — their real thoughts, feelings and desires — and where their partner, in turn, is able to really hear them. When you share a validating style of interaction together, you build trust and intimacy. These are the bonds that make relationships last. Research has shown partner validation plays a crucial role in promoting positive outcomes within relationships, including increased well-being, intimacy, emotional resilience, and relationship satisfaction (see the End note for some specific research articles).
This is the technique ‘validation’ as I see it:
“I think you are feeling __(emotion)__ because…..
And also because…
And also because…”
To validate, you must label the emotion that you think your partner is feeling - with the 6 core emotions being: sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise and disgust. Then stretch yourself to understand by making three ‘guesses’ about why they felt that way - ie. use the word because three times. Here are some helpful points to keep in mind during the process:
1. Mindful listening is the first component of validation. This means you really pay attention to what your partner is saying. As difficult as it might be, suspend your own judgments and reactions to the situation or topic. Temporarily let go of the need to advise, change, help or fix the situation. Your own thoughts are put on the back burner; your focus, instead, is on your partner’s current experience. Show you are listening by stopping what you are doing (closing the laptop, turning off the TV), turning to face them, nodding your head, and making eye contact as they talk.
2. Acknowledging and accepting is the next step in validation. This means you acknowledge what they’ve said or what they are feeling. You might say, “I can see you’re upset about this,” or “You seem discouraged” in response to their news about having to work over the weekend. Rather than trying to cheer your partner up, you allow them space to be upset.
3. Validating does not equal agreeing. An important distinction is that you can accept your partner’s feelings, but it doesn’t mean you need to agree with them. For instance, say that you go to see a movie together. Afterward, you discuss your thoughts about the film. Your partner found it entertaining and funny, while you found it boring and predictable. You might validate their point of view by saying, “It sounds like you really liked the movie. It wasn’t my favorite, but I can tell that you had fun watching it.” In this example, you’re acknowledging your partner’s enjoyment of something, without sharing the same sentiment.
4. Ask questions. If your partner presents a problem or difficult situation to you, try to find out more about how they are feeling and what they want by asking open-ended questions. “What do you wish would happen?” “What was your reaction to that?” “How are you feeling about things now?” Gently asking questions to clarify their experience can be very gratifying for them. It shows you care and want to really listen.
5. Show you understand. Use validating statements such as, “I would feel that way, too,” or “It makes sense to me that you’d feel that way given the circumstances” to let them know you see why they feel the way they do. You can also show validation with non-verbals, such as giving them a hug if they feel lonely, making them a cup of tea if they feel jittery, or giving them space if they need time to think.
While the concept of validation may seem simple, it can be hard to execute when you have your own big emotional reaction / experience in the moment. This is where the skill comes in - and trust me, this is a skill that most people (myself included) have to work at and develop with practice. Notice how emotions show up for you - in your body, with certain thoughts, and what behavioural impulses you may tend to do. By bringing more awareness to ones’ own emotional reactions, we widen the window to change course and change the pattern of interaction that isn’t optimal (invalidation). Practice the technique (label the emotion) then use the three ‘becauses’ - in moments that aren’t so evocative for you, so you can be more ready to use this when it really counts.
Practice makes perfect.
Jeff
End Note: There is a growing body of research in psychology that supports the idea that partner validation can lead to improved outcomes in various aspects of a relationship. Here are a few key studies that demonstrate this:
Reis, H. T., Sheldon, K. M., Gable, S. L., Roscoe, J., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Daily well-being: The role of autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 26(4), 419-435.
This study found that individuals who perceived their partners as more validating experienced greater daily well-being. Validation from a partner was associated with feelings of competence and autonomy, which contributed to positive outcomes.
Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (1998). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1238-1251.
This research highlighted the significance of perceived partner responsiveness in fostering intimacy. When partners responded to each other's self-disclosure in a validating and understanding manner, it led to increased intimacy and relationship satisfaction.
Grewal, L., Porter, A. M., & Kang, M. (2020). Spouse validation buffers the adverse effects of low self-esteem on daily negative affect. Personality and Individual Differences, 160, 109957.
This study demonstrated that when individuals with low self-esteem received validation from their spouses, it acted as a buffer against daily negative affect. Partner validation helped to mitigate the detrimental impact of low self-esteem on emotional well-being.
Impett, E. A., Gable, S. L., & Peplau, L. A. (2005). Giving up and giving in: The costs and benefits of daily sacrifice in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(3), 327-344.
This research explored the role of partner validation in relationship sacrifice. The study found that individuals who perceived their partners as validating were more willing to make sacrifices for the relationship. Moreover, these sacrifices were associated with greater relationship satisfaction and commitment.
Overall, these studies suggest that partner validation plays a crucial role in promoting positive outcomes within relationships, including increased well-being, intimacy, emotional resilience, and relationship satisfaction.
