A How-To Guide for Self-Compassion
Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness and understanding during times of perceived inadequacy, failure, or suffering. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this field, identifies three key components of self-compassion:
Mindfulness: This aspect emphasizes a balanced awareness of our negative emotions, allowing us to acknowledge feelings without exaggeration or suppression. Mindfulness entails observing thoughts and emotions openly and without judgment, fostering a clear awareness that enables us to accept our pain without denial. Research indicates that this non-judgmental stance helps individuals maintain emotional equilibrium, avoiding the trap of becoming overwhelmed by negative feelings (Neff, 2011).
Self-Kindness: Self-compassion encourages a gentle and understanding attitude towards ourselves during difficult times, in contrast to self-criticism. Those who practice self-compassion recognize that imperfection and struggle are part of the human experience. This recognition allows them to approach their challenges with warmth and understanding, rather than frustration or self-directed anger (Smeekes & Jetten, 2017).
Common Humanity: This component highlights the interconnectedness of all humans in experiencing suffering and failure. Many individuals fall into the trap of feeling isolated in their struggles, believing they are alone in their difficulties. However, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and imperfection are universal aspects of the human condition, fostering a sense of shared experience rather than isolation (Germer & Neff, 2013).
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Pity
It is crucial to distinguish self-compassion from self-pity. While self-pity focuses on personal suffering and can lead to a sense of isolation, self-compassion acknowledges our struggles within a broader human context. Self-pity tends to emphasize egocentric feelings of separation, amplifying personal distress (Gilbert, 2005). In contrast, self-compassion allows individuals to adopt a perspective that recognizes the shared nature of suffering. This broader view helps individuals contextualize their experiences, providing mental space to consider that while their struggles are significant, they are not unique (Neff, 2011).
Pro Tip: does your self-talk have a ‘woes me’ vibe? Is it focused on the world rather than me and my choices? If so, its probably leaning towards self-pity. Instead of focusing on how you are uniquely hard done by, focus on how you can see how its been hard, and how that is a shared experience with other humans (and fundamentally universal, although the details of course have to do with your unique life story).
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Indulgence
Another common misconception is equating self-compassion with self-indulgence. Some fear that practicing self-compassion will lead to laziness or overindulgence, such as avoiding responsibilities in favor of pleasure-seeking behaviors. However, true self-compassion involves a commitment to long-term well-being, which may sometimes require making difficult choices (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011). While self-indulgence seeks immediate gratification, self-compassion fosters a supportive environment for personal growth and health, even if it involves facing uncomfortable truths about oneself. This compassionate approach can motivate individuals to change and grow without resorting to self-criticism, allowing for greater self-awareness and acceptance (Neff & Germer, 2013).
Pro Tip: In simple terms, know that having self-compassion is not only good for you, but good for those around you because those around you do better when you do better - hence, it is not a selfish act, nor self-indulgence.
References
Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(8), 856-867.
Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion: Conceptualisations, Research and Use in Psychotherapy. Routledge.
Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological flexibility and self-compassion. Mindfulness, 2(3), 169-175.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
Smeekes, A., & Jetten, J. (2017). The role of self-compassion in the relationship between the need to belong and social anxiety. Personality and Individual Differences, 117, 25-30.
