Anger Management 101: A Guide to Managing Emotions and Preserving Relationships
Anger is a natural human emotion. However, when left unmanaged, it can lead to destructive consequences, both for mental health and relationships. Understanding anger and learning how to manage it effectively are essential skills for maintaining emotional well-being and ensuring relationship satisfaction. This guide delves into practical anger management strategies and explores how they can benefit individuals and couples.
Understanding Anger: A Basic Emotion with Complex Effects
Anger is often seen as a negative emotion, but it has a biological and psychological purpose. Psychologically, anger is healthy: it energizes us and pushes us to assert a boundary or important need. Physiologically, it is part of the "fight or flight" response that helps individuals protect themselves from threats. Anger, when properly channeled, can signal that something is wrong or unjust, prompting corrective action. However, when anger becomes frequent or intense, it can negatively impact mental health and relationships.
Persistent anger affects physical health by increasing the risk of conditions like hypertension, heart disease, and weakened immune function. For relationships, unmanaged anger can lead to conflict, communication breakdowns, and reduced relationship satisfaction. If not attended to, anger patterns also often lead to negative relationship outcomes or relationships ending, which in turn can result in depression and low self-esteem. Learning to manage this emotion is crucial for long-term emotional stability. Some quick bullets about Anger:
Anger is a normal and natural part of life
There is nothing inherently wrong with experiencing emotions, like anger
It is ok to be angry; emotions are not right or wrong, they just are
Other emotions are often connected to anger such as fear, sadness, embarrassment
Anger can be directed inwardly at ourselves, or outwardly towards others
Unresolved anger is typically a block to our emotional growth (ex. getting angry with someone and never talking to them again vs. having a healthy expression of anger and trying to ‘work it out’ with that person)
You have the power to decide how you express and react to your anger
There are three components of emotions (including Anger):
A bodily felt response (what happens in ones' body)
A psychological response (what thoughts tend to come up)
A behavioural action tendency (what behaviours there is a tendency towards)
Types of Anger
‘Healthy’ Anger - aka. ‘Adaptive’ Anger - when anger is expressed out of caring or respect and a desire to restore a relationship or resolving a problem. Attack the problem, not the person.
Harmful Anger - aka ‘Maladaptive’ Anger - when anger is expressed out of a desire to seek revenge, 'get even', harm, or attack the person without concern for the relationship or resolving a problem.
Anger and Aggression are significantly different:
Anger refers to an emotional state which ranges from mild (being irritated, annoyed) to intense (rage)
Aggression refers to a set of behaviour traits directed at destroying objects and injuring or punishing people.
Aggression is one type of anger expression
Aggression is almost always destructive
Aggression often results in a negative outcome to the situation and harm to a relationship
According to some researchers, there are 6 types of anger commonly observed in western cultures:
Psychological Theories on Anger: Cognitive-Behavioral Perspectives
Cognitive-behavioral theory (CBT) offers valuable insights into how anger develops and persists. According to CBT, anger is largely driven by irrational beliefs, negative thoughts, and cognitive distortions. For example, when someone assumes their partner "should" always understand their feelings, or “should” always remember to empty the dishwasher, they may feel angry when this expectation is not met. The cycle of anger often begins with thoughts that misinterpret or exaggerate the situation, leading to heightened emotional responses.
What Puts me at Risk of Having Unhealthy (Maladaptive) Anger?
Body:
• Being physically tired
• Having low blood sugar (‘Hangry’)
• Being sleepy/sleep deprived
The Environment in your day:
• A tough conversation with a family member
• Bad traffic
• Little annoyances adding up at work
• Big stressors that remain unresolved
Unhelpful Rumination about myself:
• People don’t care to do the right thing with me
• People think Im not good enough
• Im a bad ____ (parent, partner, employee)
Unhelpful Rumination about others:
• Those damn ______ (people in a group/category) are _______
• My annoying boss ‘gets to me’
Unhelpful Rumination about the world:
• Thinking about things mostly out of my control, such as:
Climate change
‘PC’ culture/ Social Justice Issues
Political tensions
The Critical First Step: Noticing Anger In The Moment
First off, we need to develop awareness in ‘noticing’ anger better. We all know when we are at a 9/10 on the anger scale, but what about a 4/10? Many who come into my office have not yet developed the awareness/skills to detect that - and I promise, those around you ARE seeing it, and their bodies ARE responding to even a 4/10.
There are 4 categories of what to watch for:
A Psychological Component - Thought Patterns / Common ‘Anger Thoughts’
A Physical Response - ie. Bodily Felt Sensations
An Action Tendency - ie. What behaviours there is a tendency towards
Feedback from others’ - ie. How people respond, including non-verbals
What To Do When I Notice Anger: Effective Anger Management Strategies
“Talk Down” the Anger:
Our thoughts really only send anger in one of 2 directions: thoughts make us more angry, or thoughts make us less angry.
Usually individuals who have an ‘anger problem’ find themselves thinking in patterns like these:
“Just who they think they are anyways?!”
“I don’t have to take this”
“they have no right to talk to me this way.”
“this is so unfair to me.”
We can learn to ‘talk down’ the anger, by contentiously choosing to think about the situation/person differently:
“What is going on for me? How to I feel right now?”
“What is going on for them, how do they feel right now?”
“I have to be calm in order to work this out.”
“I need to relax and problem solve now.”
“What is the real problem here?”
“This is upsetting, but I can handle it.”
“They are just having a hard time with this, I can see how its really shitty for them.”
Pro tip: pushing yourself to have empathy for the other (understanding their pain) will talk down your anger. It doesn’t have to be ‘all about them’, but it can be a little about them!
Use Distractions:
Really anything that will effectively take your mind off of the argument for now. Examples include:
-doing chores
-playing a game on your phone
-watching a video on something, watching TV
-calling someone and talking to them about something other than the present issue
Pro tip: distraction really only works up to a certain level of activation - ie. if the anger is too big, it wont work. If you find yourself going back into anger thoughts over and over, try a different technique.
Remember The Negative Long-Term Consequences:
Sounds simple right? It sort of is. Fundamentally this is a mindfulness exercise. For many, it can powerfully cause a ‘pause’ in the anger escalation process, giving the individual time to slow down their anger.
Pro tip: If you really follow it through and imagine 5-10 years down the road, what bad outcomes are likely to happen if you continue to have Unhealthy anger? It can get pretty scary/dark, and that future could be the way it plays out if you do nothing to change.
Relaxation Techniques:
Use techniques to calm your nervous system, such as:
Deep breathing
Progressive muscle relaxation
Mindfulness Meditation
Check out section 2 of this blog post for more info.
Take a Pause from the Conversation and Have a Plan:
1) Know what to say when leaving - Ex. “I gotta take a pause”, “I care about you but I just cant right now”
Pro tip: tell the other person (especially if that person is your spouse) that you care about them/their concern.
2) Know where to go - a place that is usually available/empty – its best to have a couple of options
Pro tip: there is almost always a bathroom that is accessible and private.
3) Know how long to take a pause - the rule of thumb is 20 minutes as a minimum to start out. Pay attention to your body and thoughts - when you feel more calm, we can think about trying the conversation again.
Pro tip: it is essential you prevent yourself from ruminating during this time. Do not participate in thinking about all the arguments on how ‘Im right and they are wrong’. Instead, argue for them on their side, or ‘talk down’ the anger by having empathy for them, or simply distract yourself away from ruminating.
Assertive Communication: expressing one’s needs or feelings clearly, as calmly as possible, in a non-aggressive way. Use I-Statements to articulate this clearly. Check out this blog post for how to do an I-statement.
The Role of Therapy in Anger Management: Individual and Couples Counseling
For individuals struggling with chronic anger, psychotherapy offers an effective avenue for long-term change. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is one of the most researched and widely used approaches for anger management. In CBT, therapists work with clients to identify the thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that contribute to their anger. They also teach coping strategies and problem-solving techniques that help clients manage stressful situations more effectively.
Couples counseling can also be a vital resource for addressing anger in marriage and intimate relationships. In couples therapy, both partners learn how to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts, and manage emotions in a way that supports relationship satisfaction. Therapy helps couples create a safe space to explore underlying issues, improving emotional intimacy and reducing the frequency of anger-driven arguments. Contact us, we can help.
Conclusion: The Importance of Managing Anger for Mental Health and Relationship Satisfaction
Anger is a powerful emotion that, if left unchecked, can have detrimental effects on both mental health and relationships. However, with the right strategies, anger can be managed in a way that promotes personal growth and relationship satisfaction. Whether through self-awareness, relaxation techniques, assertive communication, or therapy, learning to manage anger is an essential step toward emotional well-being. In the context of relationships, especially marriage, anger management is crucial for maintaining intimacy, trust, and long-term satisfaction.
By implementing anger management techniques, individuals can protect their mental health, foster healthier relationships, and ensure a more fulfilling life.
